


Love is Not Love Which Alters When it Alteration Finds

by rumpelsnorcack



Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 17:29:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4530765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpelsnorcack/pseuds/rumpelsnorcack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pedro and Balthazar try to navigate their friendship in the wake of 'An Ode'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is Not Love Which Alters When it Alteration Finds

**Author's Note:**

> My attempt to work out what was going on between 'An Ode' and 'One Foot ...' Rated Teen, mostly for language. This was actually the first fic I wrote in this fandom, started after 'RETURNS' and finished just before 'PETELEY' which then forced revisions. Sorry about where it was left off, but it was already monstrous and I have an imagined sequel which I may or may not write. I've called Peter 'Pedro' throughout because that's how he referred to himself at the time. There are references to many of the videos between 'An Ode' and 'One Foot ...'
> 
> Beta-read by the wonderful Mollywheezy

**Pedro**

Pedro almost lost his breath as he watched the footage Ursula had taken of Balthy singing.  He had asked for more Balthy songs, yeah, but he hadn’t expected _this_.  While he was watching the filming it hadn’t seemed weird, in any way; more just a bit of a laugh. In the past, occasionally, he’d thought maybe Balthy had shown some interest in him, but when he’d investigated further there were always about a million guys hanging round, and Balthazar wasn’t exactly pushing them away.  To be fair, he wasn’t exactly chasing after them, either.  Though, because he was Balthy, and Balthy was exactly the same degree of kind to everyone, he could be hard to read.  

Balthazar was … well, he was about the most beautiful human Pedro could remember ever knowing, and there were days when he thought maybe he could sort of suggest something, but then he always lost his nerve.  He’d never had any experience with guys … and it was just safer to stick to girls while admiring boys from afar.  Terror gripped Pedro, creating icicles in his stomach, when he thought about asking another guy out, and they got even worse when he thought of asking Balthy.  Rejection was just too likely and this was the one person he absolutely didn’t want to mess up a friendship with.  Besides … no reason to think this song thing meant anything, right? He shook his head to get rid of the unwelcome thoughts.  They stubbornly remained in his mind, though. 

Could Balthy be suggesting…?  Nah.  It was a joke.  It had to be.  Pedro thought of the lyrics.  ‘Never seen him do no wrong.’  He snorted.  As if.  Pedro knew, better than anyone, how much wrong he had done.  Surely no-one could genuinely think he was so perfect, not even someone like Balthy who saw the good in everyone.  Pedro was always sure his imperfections were alarmingly close to the surface, visible to all and especially to those he spent the most time with, even while he tried so hard to hide them.  That and the reference to the ‘all round great guy’ stuff the others kept on and on about made Pedro sure this was just Balthy’s way of cheering him up about not having someone.  He might sometimes wistfully wish that it was different but Balthy was so damn _nice_ to everyone.  He spent exorbitant amounts of time just trying to make everyone around him feel happy.  Clearly he was doing it again right now, and this meant nothing else.  Yeah, a nice thing, bit of fun between mates.  

Besides … last time Pedro had tried to offer himself to someone she’d laughed at him, and that had stung more than he’d expected.  So.  Yeah.  It was much safer to treat this as a fun joke from one of his best mates.  Sighing a little as he caught sight of Balthazar’s hands playing the piano in the clip that was still running, Pedro carefully added a line to the description he’d created.  
  
_The song's hilarious Balthy! You always know how to make me laugh. Good job hahaha_  
  
PEDRO OUT

**Balthazar**

Hilarious. Yeah.  Balthazar nodded, pain squeezing his heart and making it close to impossible to breathe.  Okay.  It’s not like he would ever expect Pedro to … well, to reciprocate.  But hilarious?  The words stabbed at Balthazar, causing hot shame to rush through his body, and leaving him shivering in its wake.  He could feel his face glowing and was just thankful no-one else was here to see this moment.  Here he was posting his feelings to the internet for everyone to see.  And Pedro … 

Balthazar sighed.  He should have known.  Pedro Donaldson: all round great guy, student rep for Messina High, best-loved of pretty much everyone around the school.  Why on earth would Pedro be interested in little, mousey, unimportant Balthazar?  It constantly astonished him that Pedro seemed to enjoy his company and sought him out as a friend.  As a best friend, even, but there was no way he’d think of him as anything else.  

Pedro had told Balthazar that he thought he might be bi several months ago. The words had stayed with Balthazar ever since, sending shivers of hope through him when he remembered, even though there hadn’t been any suggestion that Balthazar figured into the equation at all.  It was more the fact that Pedro had chosen Balthazar to share in his secret.  He was pretty sure none of their other friends knew, and it always buoyed him that _he_ had been trusted with something so important to Pedro.  Even so, there had never been a hint of a relationship with guys.  Pedro still always seemed to choose girls when it came down to it.  Look at that video with Bea, for example … 

Heart lurching again, Balthazar looked back at the screen.  Why?  Why had he done it?  What had possessed him to film _that_ song with Ursula?  There were numerous others he could have put up, but he guessed he had entertained a tiny sliver of hope.  Hope that maybe the vibes he got from Pedro were … interested vibes.  His heart skipped a beat when he remembered some of the footage Ursula had shot for her vox pops video, even if it had never been shown.  Pedro’s favourite colour was ‘blue, like your eyes’ – and the light touches whenever they were together.  Balthazar had treasured up those moments ever since.  Surely … surely, that meant there _could_ be something there?  

Unfortunately, it was now clearly obvious that he’d been wrong.  _Hilarious_. 

Balthazar quickly switched off his screen and vowed never to watch that video ever again.  Seeing himself putting himself out there in such a risky way and seeing the words, stark on the screen in black and white, that showed how stupid he’d been … yeah, he wasn’t about that.

 

**Pedro**

The images from the video were seared into his brain.  Ever since he’d posted the song, Pedro had been drawn back to watching it.  Yeah, it was a joke, a bit of a laugh between mates but there was something really compelling about Balthy’s voice, and his hands … 

Pedro was pretty sure that he was personally responsible for at least half the views on the song.  He was compelled by the way Balthy’s hands moved across the keyboard, by the slight lift of his mouth as he sang.  Most of all, he found himself pausing the video and drowning in the look at the end.  The look that, on the day, had been directed straight at him.  Every time he saw it his heart skipped a beat and a painful warmth took up residence in the pit of his stomach.  At the time he thought (still did, if he was honest) that it was a ‘feel better, buddy’ look.  But it still made his heart flutter a little as he sat engrossed in the paused image. 

Balthy had been weirdly distant since it went live, and Pedro couldn’t understand it.  When Pedro had thanked him for the laugh, he’d chuckled a little, ducked his head and then … left.  What was his problem?  It had been a silly, funny joke between mates, after all, and Pedro had loved it.  His praise had been sincere and effusive – he’d even admitted how compelling he found the music.  Why, then, had Balthy been so weird about it?  Why did he seem to be avoiding Pedro’s company? 

People had been hinting … Ursula, in particular, had been close to definitive (as definitive as Ursula ever got, anyway) that Balthy was interested.  And she was the one Balthy had trusted with the song.  If he had told her what he was feeling … 

Maybe … maybe she was right?  And if she _was_ right, then … 

Pedro pushed play again on the video and this time he studied every nuance of Balthy’s face.  Balthy’s face that was so intense as he played.  But it was always intense.  That was just Balthy’s style.  Whenever he played he always got right into the moment.  But then there _was_ that look after he’d finished playing.  Yeah.  Heat pulsed through Pedro again as he watched, putting a warm glow in his cheeks. 

Pedro’s heart twisted with guilt as he clicked and watched his friend sing about him again.  It was becoming obvious that this possibly hadn’t been a joke, and that Balthy _had_ been sending Pedro a message with the song.  But now, how was he to discuss this with him?  Pedro had laughed it off as a joke …. And Balthy had, quite obviously, been hurt.  He thought.  It was hard to tell what Balthy was thinking sometimes. 

It didn’t matter, really.  These last couple of weeks had been excruciating.  He just wanted Balthy back, he wanted their banter.  He wanted someone he could just be himself with.  He had missed Balthy’s smile and his funny little chuckle.  No matter what came of it, he had to address the situation and find some way to get at least some semblance of the old Balthy back.  

Scrunching up his nerve, Pedro resolved to talk to Balthy about this the next time he saw him.  In the meantime, he had to make a damn vlog with Ben and Claudio about Ben’s ‘headaches’ – Ben had insisted that they take back their words about him being in love, and that they had to do it on camera.  Why they had to use _his_ room for this little exercise in soothing Ben’s ego, Pedro had no idea.  But use it Ben wanted to, and so he figured he’d better get things at least a little straightened out.  Reluctantly, he switched off Balthy’s voice and bent to pick his t-shirts off the floor.

 

**Balthazar**

It had been incredibly awkward talking to Pedro since ‘the video of doom’ as he’d labelled it in his head.  He’d known, somewhere deep inside, that posting the ode had been a terrible idea, but being faced with the reality of his crushed dreams had still been much worse than he’d expected. 

Over the last month he’d taken to avoiding Pedro, trying to not-be where Pedro was expected.  Pedro had, of course, noticed that their easy camaraderie had disappeared, but he didn’t seem to mind.  Seemed happy enough about it, to Balthazar’s eyes.  He was drifting to a new set of friends – hanging out much more often with Claudio and even his brother John.  Balthazar cursed himself for destroying their friendship, the one thing he hadn’t wanted to do. 

If only he hadn’t …

Yeah. Well.  He had.  Now he had to figure a way through the mess he’d created.  

He had to go to Hero’s party.  He’d promised Bea what felt like a billion years ago, and if he didn’t go everyone around them would start asking awkward questions.  Balthazar couldn’t bring himself to deal with that sort of pressure, but he swore he’d stay away from Pedro while he was there.  He’d stay for an hour or so and then bail.  Given the sheer number of people going, he should be able to keep his distance from Pedro, right? 

Despite everything, Balthazar dressed carefully.  He may not be able to look anyone in the eye without blushing furiously, but that didn’t mean he had to shed his dignity entirely … just in case.  Well, just in case he couldn’t avoid Pedro.  Didn’t want it to look like he was moping or anything. 

He gathered his things and headed off to Hero’s place.  This was likely to be torture, but he gritted his teeth and faced it.

 

**Ursula**

Pedro Donaldson was a total arse; that was all she could coherently think.  Claudio, too, obviously.  But goddam it, Pedro was supposed to be the _leader_ , the calm, sensible voice of reason, and he did … _this_?  Why on earth did they set up this confrontation at a party?  At Hero’s own birthday party?  Idiots.  Dickheads.  All of them.  

Ursula focused her attention on Hero and Bea for the first few days after the … she couldn’t call it an incident, she guessed.  It was way bigger than the word ‘incident’ would imply.  Hero was so diminished – drained of all her energy and excitement, with her sweetness now a numb and painful façade.  Then there was Bea … and, well, Bea was alternately frothingly angry and helplessly sobbing, with the anger winning out more often than not and resulting in epic rants.  

Ursula felt impotent – there was nothing she could do about this.  She’d put the footage online, to show what really happened that night, but apart from that she was helpless.  Everyone had quickly formed sides and each side lobbed insults at the other.  It was a total mess.  Ursula had chosen her side, but she wished she hadn’t had to, 

Out of the corner of her eye, Ursula noticed one of her friends looking decidedly uncomfortable.  Bea was ranting about how evil Claudio was, and paused every now and then to throw an insult at Pedro too, the barbs all pointed and direct.  The others were encouraging her with ‘yeah’ and ‘dickhead’ comments.  All but Balth.  He looked miserable.  He was quietly strumming his guitar in the background, clearly trying to tune it all out. 

‘I’m going on a quick run to the supermarket.  I think we need more sugary goodness,’ she said, getting to her feet and brushing down her skirt.  ‘You wanna come, Balth?  Help me choose?’ 

‘Yeah.  Sure, yeah.’ He said, his eyes grateful as they held hers.  He carefully laid his guitar on the couch behind him then followed her out. 

As they walked, Ursula glanced over at Balthazar.  He still looked miserable.  He was twisting his hands together, clearly itching for some sort of instrument to keep them occupied, and there were slight frown lines between his brows. 

‘You want to talk about it?’  She asked, trying to inject as much sympathy into her voice as she could. 

His head snapped round, his eyes widening as they looked at her.  There was a deep panic in the look he gave her.  ‘About what?’ 

‘Don’t be so dense.  About … about Pedro and how you’re here and not with him.’ 

Balthazar blushed and looked at his hands. He shook his head.  

‘Is this about … the song?’ she asked tentatively.  ‘I feel rotten for making you do that …’ 

‘Nah.  Yeah, nah.  It’s okay.  I mean … I …’ 

‘Balth, it’s not okay.  He was an arse.  He _is_ an arse.’ 

Ursula watched as a pained expression chased the slight embarrassment off Balthazar’s face.  She grimaced herself.  Pedro Donaldson really was an arse.  How he couldn’t recognise what was right in front of him, she didn’t know.  It was obvious to her that he was into Balth too, even if she would never in a million years let _him_ know that.  Since Pedro was an arse and all, and he might never get over himself enough to … what?  Give Balth a chance?  She shook her head.  She’d gone back over her footage, and it was clear as day – Pedro was always invading Balth’s personal space, small gestures leading to touching, closeness.   And there was a … a thing that happened whenever they looked at each other.  Pedro, so relaxed and natural with everyone else, was different with Balth.  It wasn’t as obvious in person as it was on camera, but now she knew what to look for it was becoming very clear.  Or it had been, until Pedro ‘bloody idiot’ Donaldson had shown what a total arse he was. 

Ursula shook her head, and sneaked a look sideways at Balthazar, who still looked unhappy. 

‘Why?’ 

Balthazar’s face twisted with some remembered pain.  ‘Why what?’ 

‘Why did you choose Hero’s side over Pedro’s?  I mean, not to be too pushy or anything, but …’ 

‘Because he’s wrong,’ Balthazar said simply.  Ursula looked at him, saw the pain reflected in his eyes, and squeezed his arm. 

‘Well, yeah he’s wrong.  But it’s obvious you’re not cool with all the stuff that’s being said about him … y’know, Bea …’ 

‘No, I’m not.  I still …’ Balthazar sighed and looked down at his hands.  ‘But he’s wrong, Urs, and I can’t support that.  He won’t listen …’ He looked up at her, his eyes pained and a depth of sadness in his expression that made Ursula’s heart lurch. 

She could tell that Balthazar didn’t want to talk about this anymore, so she just squeezed his arm again, and said, ‘well, if you need to talk I’m here. And if you ever need to get away from Bea’s rants you can always get me to do a supermarket run with you, okay?’ 

Balthazar smiled at her, looking slightly happier.  ‘Okay.’  He nodded.  His fingers tapped against his leg and he began humming under his breath as they walked into the supermarket and turned their attention to the job at hand.

 

**Pedro**

Unfortunately, nothing had gone to plan.  Claudio had spat out the awful truth at Hero’s party, Pedro had backed him up, and then … 

Well, then everything had gone pear shaped.  Now he had most of his friends mad at him.  Ben had even got so angry he’d kicked him out of his room and his life.  The only one he felt he had left was Claudio, and that wasn’t enough.  He tried not to think of the one he’d rather have left on his side, but the effort was useless. 

If he’d thought about it, Pedro would have imagined that Balthy would choose him, take his side.  After all, he’d seen what he’d seen and Balthy had always understood his reasoning before.  Besides … Balthy was always just there.  It had been the one big constant in his life: Balthy was always there, always with him, always on his side. 

But apparently not now.  It hurt Pedro more than he could articulate that Balthy had pulled back so much.  Yeah, he’d already been distant because of the damn video thing, but this seemed worse.  Then, Pedro’d had a plan to fix it.  Now, he couldn’t understand what to do to sort things out.  Balthy was still talking to him, yes, but it was as if he was a polite stranger.  There was nothing left of the easy warmth they had shared. 

Pedro grimaced.  Nothing and no-one was reacting as he’d thought they would, and he … he missed his friend. 

So here he was, sitting outside a classroom with Claudio and being forced to listen to his self-justifications.  And, yeah, Pedro agreed with Claud on a lot of it but the constant justifications were getting boring.  Pedro wished he could just get everyone to understand what they had seen, why it was so obviously, horrifyingly, gut-churningly true.  He’d seen it with his own eyes.  That Hero had denied it all just made it so much worse that everyone had taken her side – why believe her over properly gathered evidence?  Why was _her_ word to be believed over their first hand experience? 

Pedro sighed and threw his head back against the wall of the classroom they were sitting outside, trying to tune out Claud’s everlasting tirade.  Suddenly he heard a commotion, so he pulled forward and looked up to see Ursula’s Year 9s marching Robbie, of all people, towards them.  Pedro screwed up his face.  He didn’t need this shit right now. 

 

**Balthazar**

In the aftermath of Hero’s party, Balthazar’s worries had seemed to shrink beside what had happened.  He was sickened by what he’d seen Claudio, and especially Pedro, do.  Pedro had been so … so aggressive in the shouting match that erupted between him and Bea.  Plus, there was the gut punch of looking through the footage Ursula had put online and seeing Pedro slyly encouraging those around him to film the argument.  The look on his face was pure hatred.  Watching it, Balthazar had felt like the bottom had dropped out of his world.  Where was Pedro, the popular but sensible social leader?  Where was the guy who usually held back most of Claudio’s excesses?  Why had he been replaced with this angry and self-righteous not-Pedro?  Where did this come from?  

Pedro was so wrong, on so many levels, and he refused to acknowledge that he may be out of line.  Even if Hero had cheated, and Balthazar was pretty sure she hadn’t, Claudio and Pedro’s behaviour had been abhorrent.  Shaming someone that way, so publicly, was wrong in and of itself no matter what she might have done.  That Pedro couldn’t see that, and tried hard to act like he was totally justified, had turned Balthazar right off.  Not that he could turn off the little frisson of desire that ran through him whenever he caught sight of Pedro, but running under that was a sense of betrayal, like he didn’t really know who Pedro was at all.  Like he had never really known him. 

But then things had changed again.  John had gone missing and Pedro’s video, desperate for news of him, had softened Balthazar’s heart.  Well, that and John’s horrifying confession that he’d orchestrated it all to bring Pedro down.  Pedro’s obvious distress at what had transpired wormed its way under Balthazar’s guard.  He started to talk to Pedro more naturally again, started to spend time with him.  

There were times he still wanted to slap Pedro, most often when he began castigating himself about what he’d done.  More than once, Balthazar had been tempted to tell him to pull his head in, stop moping about it and do something to fix it.  But one look at Pedro’s devastated face stilled the words before they could rush out, and he would strum his guitar softly while letting Pedro talk it out. 

Slowly, he became comfortable with the situation.  Slowly, Pedro stopped talking so often about how much he hated himself, and began to drift onto other topics.  Slowly, the easy intimacy they had shared returned.  There were light brushes of an arm against another, of legs touching when they sat side by side on the bed or couch.  There were smiles and held glances.  Balthazar’s heart started fluttering whenever he saw Pedro, and he had to remind himself once again that Pedro didn’t see him that way. 

Balthazar was, in short, back to the alternately exhilarating and soul-crushing time before he’d filmed the ode.  Back to a time where he was infatuated with his best friend and was unable to articulate it for fear of rejection.

 

**John**

John rolled his eyes.  There he went again, moaning about how shit he’d been.  There were days and times that he thought maybe Pedro was wallowing in this so much just to hurt John more.  After all, this had all been John’s doing – it was he who had accidentally destroyed Hero in his eager desire to punish his brother.  He glared across the room at Pedro, who was sitting with his back to the wall in the corner of his bed furthest away from where John was sitting.  Once, that would have bugged him, but now he knew it was just Pedro trying to get away from himself.  He grimaced.  

‘Snap out of it!’ he grunted under his breath.  Unfortunately, he’d said it when Pedro had paused and he heard. 

‘What?’ 

John bit the bullet.  ‘I said, snap out of it.  We’re all thoroughly bored of how the great Pedro has fallen.’ 

Pedro’s face flushed.  He pulled his legs into his chest and tucked his chin in behind them.  John relented.  He smiled at Pedro, taking the sting out of the comment.  His brother smiled back, if a little sadly.  He wasn’t so bad, really – or at least not when he stopped being a dick and just hung out.  Even so, John couldn’t resist teasing him. 

‘You know what you need?’  John asked.  Pedro raised his brows, which John took as permission to carry on.  ‘Balthazar.’ 

Pedro frowned, clearly not getting it.  John could feel his mouth raising in a slight smile. 

‘You need to relax, and he seems to be the only one who can get you to.  Why is that, do you think?’ 

He could feel his eyes glinting as he stared into his brother’s confused eyes.  Trust Pedro to still be oblivious, or at least wilfully dense. 

‘I know you like him … you know, _like_ him like him.’  

‘I don’t think …’ 

‘Oh god, don’t tell me you’re going to go into a shame spiral again and decide he’s too pure for you or something.’ 

Pedro smiled a little at that, though he remained curled up in his defensive ball. 

‘No.  I just don’t think I’m in a good headspace for anything like that right now.’ 

‘Well, maybe.  But you should see the way you light up when he comes near.  It’s close to sickening how the tension level just drops … You stop moping, and that’s a good thing.  You should do more of it.’ 

Pedro smiled his sad smile again.  ‘Yeah, he’s great.  But I don’t think it would be fair right now, not fair to him.’ 

‘Well, I’m not so sure.  But you’re obviously going to be an idiot about it.  So.  I’ll leave you to it.’  He patted his brother on the shoulder as he left the room, noticing that the small ball of Pedro had become a slightly larger ball – his hands had slipped sideways, allowing his legs to drop a little and he’d raised his chin so it was no longer tucked right behind his legs.  Interesting.  Apparently even just talking about Balthazar dropped the tension.  John grinned to himself as he walked to his own room.  

Maybe he could have some fun with this.

 

**Pedro**

The bloody party was dragging and Pedro wished himself anywhere but at Hero’s house.  Hero’s house, of all places!  Clearly the adults all thought they were doing A Good Thing, but every room had a hidden agony for Pedro.  Everywhere he went he was reminded of what he’d done and what the consequences were.  He couldn’t get away from stabs of guilt no matter where he looked.  Finally, unable to stand the music or the forced cheer of the adults, Pedro headed towards the door. 

He stepped out into the cool night air and leaned against the wall.  Nagging at him was the knowledge that Balthy liked him – and that he was fine with Pedro knowing, since he’d allowed Ben to post it on the internet for everyone to see.  Inside the house, Pedro had been able to push it aside while he focused on the painful memories of his actions, but out here there was nothing to protect him from it.  Unlike the damn song, this was out there in the open.  There was no pretending it was anything other than a statement of interest.  He wasn’t in a good space in his head, not in the right place to even think of a relationship, and yet … 

He couldn’t deny that hearing those words had sent an unexpected rush of joy through his body.  If he _was_ in the right space, then … 

Unfortunately, Ben found him right then and dragged him into Hero’s bedroom.  Again, a place filled with difficult memories – of Bea’s rejection, in particular.  The slight happiness he’d felt while thinking of Balthy had disappeared, and left a bleak moroseness in its wake.  He tried to leave again but Ben forced him to stay. 

Fine.  He’d stay.  But there was no way he was going to engage in this bullshit.  He could feel himself glowering but he didn’t care.  So what if he ruined Ben’s video?  Ben had ruined his musings. 

He endured the wash of Ben’s enthusiastic idea of just making everything go ‘poof’ by ignoring it.  Personally, he thought that it was better to actually deal with things rather than chatting and chatting and achieving nothing, but Ben was so adamant that Pedro just let him talk.  Finally, however, he decided he had to say something about the situation with Bea.  Admitting that getting them together had been some sort of horrible joke didn’t make him feel as good as it should have.  Pedro wasn’t sure if it was lingering bitterness over Bea preferring Ben or if he just didn’t have the capacity for emotion that he once had.  Whatever the reason, Ben brushing off his apology made him resentful and it was in that mood that Ben started in on setting _him_ up with someone.  That was fair, Pedro supposed, since he’d just admitted to a sort-of-revenge setting up of his own, but he just wasn’t into the idea.  There was too much he wanted to sort out in his own mind before embarking on anything like that. 

Besides, if there was going to be any setting up going on, Pedro wanted to do it himself – and not with any girls.  If Ben happened to suggest Balthazar he’d take that as a sign that he should do something about it.  He snorted internally.  As if.  Ben was so fixated on girls that Pedro was almost certain he had no idea … well, that he had no _idea_.  So it was a shock when he did say the name.  Pedro’s head snapped around towards Ben, horrified that he had guessed his secret.  He could feel his heartbeat racing as he tried to gauge what Ben was thinking and how he had known.  But then he noticed that Ben was not, in fact, looking at him.  He was looking at the door – and in the doorway was … 

Pedro leaped to his feet, feeling a sudden blush heating his cheeks.  He barely heard what Balthy was saying or noticed that Ben was carefully arranging them all on the bed.  All he could focus on was Balthy and it took a couple of hints before he was sitting on the bed, his leg distractingly close to the other boy’s.  In fact, it was taking all his energy not to reach out to him.  He spent the entire conversation assessing Balthy, silently testing him – how did he feel about this?  When they discussed other guys, what was he feeling?  Was there a slight hesitation before each name?  Did the hands tremble just a little?  Dammit, _what_ was he thinking?  Why was he such a closed-off person?

 

**Balthazar**

It was weird, the vibe in the room when he walked in.  The tension between Ben and Pedro crackled and there was an odd sense that some of it was directed at _him_.  Balthazar thought he must have interrupted something important and he could feel his anxiety ratcheting up, making him tense and his voice stilted.  Then there was the spine-tingling way Pedro kept moving slightly on the bed, making their legs bump together, and the intimate way he slipped his arm behind Balthazar’s back.  He could feel his nerve ends sizzling and it was everything he could do to keep his face calm.  In fact, he mortified himself on several occasions by _not_ being able to hold back the nervous laughs.

Ah.  Girlfriends for Pedro?  No wonder the atmosphere was so tense now that he’d walked in.  Grasping the opportunity, Balthazar decided to sound Pedro out a little bit by joining in.  It soon became torturous, and he wondered what the hell he was doing, but he kept the test up anyway.  How would this pan out?  Would Pedro accept any of his ideas?  He was certainly intense enough about each one, weighing it seriously before moving to the next.  .He wasn’t overly enthusiastic about any of them, though, and shot down even some likely thoughts.  But that didn’t necessarily mean anything, despite the butterflies which were circling Balthazar’s stomach.  

It wasn’t up to him now, anyway.  He had allowed Ben to put his feelings on the net for everyone to see.  Again.  Now the ball was in Pedro’s court. 

Then John, of all people, interrupted and they became even more squished together on the bed.  Balthazar sat as far forward as he could, to hide his emotions from the others.  He knew his face was giving him away, and Pedro’s was so subtle he couldn’t read it.  No.  It was better by far to hide what he could while he still had some dignity.  

Balthazar’s breath stuttered in his throat when Pedro’s arm dropped onto his leg … and stayed there.  The tension in the room had shifted subtly, and he could feel every nerve humming in his body.  So much so that Balthazar wondered how he could even breathe.  He could feel Pedro’s eyes on him and his heartbeat became even more erratic.  He was glad he was sitting forward, as it allowed him to hide his emotions from the others.  He could feel a goofy grin sliding across his face at odd times while listening to the conversation swirl around him, all heavy hints and sly innuendo from Ben.  And all the time there was Pedro’s arm – stiff and definitely not casual.  It was very deliberately being left there.  

It was almost a relief when the arm slipped off his leg and he could breathe again.  Almost.  All he could think about while listening to the others was how much he wished that there was no camera.  He thought maybe he could deal with all this if he wasn’t constantly wondering how much he was giving away to Ben’s potential audience.  He gulped and carefully looked sideways, away from Pedro – away from the knowing, all-seeing eye of the camera.

 

**Pedro**

Pedro almost lost his breath as he watched Balthazar struggle in this situation.  He was fairly sure neither Ben nor John knew just how uncomfortable Balthy was right now.  But _he_ could tell; he knew him so well, and the rigidity of his body and the not-quite-suppressed laughs were a dead giveaway.  Every time Pedro snaked a look at Balthazar he looked even tenser.  His shoulders were slightly hunched and his body language was defensive.  The only thing about him that seemed even a little relaxed was the leg that pressed against Pedro’s own.  That seemed warm and steady and every time either one shifted slightly, Pedro felt a shaft of heat thud through his body. 

But _why_ was Balthy so tense?  That was the big question.  Balthazar was clearly not revolted by the incredibly obvious hints that were dropping around them, but he wasn’t giving any positive signals either.  Well, apart from the increasingly nervous twisting of his fingers and the way he’d suddenly stopped talking just before John entered the room – right around the time Ben started with his pointed hints.  

Finally, Pedro couldn’t stand Ben’s crap anymore.  With his heart hammering, and an agony of doubt over this, his first attempt at asking out another guy, but also feeling some small measure of relief, Pedro asked Balthazar to go outside with him.  His heart lifted when he agreed. 

This was it.  No matter what, things were about to come to a head.  They could at least talk about what was going on, what they might be feeling – and do it away from the well-intentioned, but extremely irritating, intervention of Benedick Hobbes and John Donaldson.  He sucked in one deep breath before turning to Balthazar and offering him his hand just before they got to the door.  As they exited, and Balthazar’s fingers slid between his own, something seemed to click into place.  The electricity that had been humming between them while they danced around the topic of possible partners suddenly sparked into bright, vivid life.  Balthazar’s hand felt steady, reassuring, and comforting in his own.  Pedro let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

This felt right.  For the first time since Hero’s party, Pedro felt happy.  He smiled at Balthazar as they shut the door, and their meddling friends, behind them.  No longer hard to read, Balthazar was shining as he smiled back.

 

**Balthazar**

Slight panic gripped Balthazar when Pedro asked him to go outside.  He had fantasised about this for years. Through Science in Year 9, when Pedro had shared his bench, keeping him laughing with his sly jokes.  Through Year 10 when Balthazar had painfully admitted to the world that he didn’t like girls – at least in _that_ way, and Pedro had been the first to show him it really didn’t matter.  Through Year 11 English, where only Pedro’s knowing winks helped him survive some of the awkward analysis they were subjected to.  Through Year 12 when the gay slurs became unbearable and he wanted to disappear, and Pedro was the only one who kept him grounded.  Even through Year 13, when Pedro had shown himself to be less-than-perfect.  So many moments, so many wistful wishes about being noticed, _really_ noticed – wanted, desired.  The mere idea of those long-held fantasies being fulfilled poured icy tremors through Balthazar’s veins. 

When Pedro offered his hand, and Balthazar took it, however, that all melted away.  It was warm, solid, calming.  As the door closed behind them, Balthazar could feel a grin erupting on his face – and for once he didn’t try to hide it, letting Pedro see the full scope of his feelings.  In return, Pedro’s smile was open, honest; natural in a way his smiles hadn’t been for a very long time.  There was no holding back, and Balthazar felt his heart expanding under the bright glow. 

‘Hey, Pedro.  Um … can we talk?’ 

Head snapping around towards the sound, towards Bea, Balthazar felt a slight squeeze on his hand before it was dropped and Pedro had turned to Bea with a blinding smile.  Not the one he was wearing moments ago – this one was the mask he had been wearing all year.  Balthazar felt his own smile fade as he watched the façade slip quickly into place.  

His heart sank with a sickening thud, and he nodded as Pedro turned and silently asked him if they could talk later.  Pedro’s eyebrows registered thankful relief before he turned back and told Bea that, sure, they could talk.  Balthazar watched as Pedro turned and followed her down the stairs towards the patio door – taking the trip outside with the person he’d always been interested in.  How ironic.  Oh, Balthazar knew there was nothing there.  Bea was so caught up in Ben he doubted she even remembered Pedro had once asked her out.  But there was still a lingering jealousy.  She had always been first – the one preferred.  If there was no Ben, would Pedro have even looked Balthazar’s way?  In that moment he thought maybe not. 

Balthazar hated himself for the thoughts.  He knew that Pedro was still very fragile about his part in the Hero thing.  He knew he desperately wanted to make amends with Bea, knew how much she meant to him, knew how torn up Pedro was that the friendship had disintegrated as far as it had. He knew all these things but he still wished Bea a million miles away, wished that she hadn’t interrupted.  Even though this would give Pedro some much-needed peace of mind, Balthazar resented the intrusion.  

Yeah. OK.  Balthazar took a deep breath in, trying to centre his thoughts. 

That had been a shitty thing to think, and he knew it.  Trying hard to push the resentment down, not allow it to weigh him down, he decided to go home and get some sleep before tomorrow’s gig.  There _would_ be time, after all, to try to work out what was happening with Pedro. 

Tomorrow.  

He could wait.


End file.
